Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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