I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
