i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
ttyl tear gas
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
