Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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