I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
