I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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