nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
So drunk its hurt
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
