So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
