Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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