We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
