Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
