I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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