Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
