He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
