i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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