Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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