did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
