At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
