What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Randomize
