I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
