The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
