the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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