just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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