I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
