so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
