in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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