NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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