My nipple is on Facebook.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
