i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
