Christians are straight up FREAKS
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
