Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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