Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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