god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
