Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
