Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
