I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
