I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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