My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
accomplished twins. life is a go
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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