Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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