apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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