I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
