I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
