i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
