You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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