Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
