They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
