I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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