but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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