Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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