it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
