After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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