I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
